“Human relationships were strange. I mean, you were with one person a while, eating and sleeping and living with them, loving them, talking to them, going places together, and then it stopped. Then there was a short period when you weren't with anybody, then another woman arrived, and you ate with her and fucked her, and it all seemed so normal, as if you had been waiting just for her and she had been waiting for you. I never felt right being alone; sometimes it felt good but it never felt right.”
-c. bukowski
And how does one simply just "turn off" the emotions when a relationship is ended by the supposedly significant other who no longer wants to be so significant? How do people with brains that function on a "normal" level just pick up their pride and move on to the next audition?
An audition.
You go into it with open eyes, a beating heart, and ambition to go places. Together.
You spend every moment with that person in the beginning because it's new, beautiful, it makes you feel something other than alone and hopeless. You give that person anything, tell them everything, and expect nothing. In that moment, nothing, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, can bring you down.
But something always changes. Maybe it was him, maybe it was you, but it just isn't right anymore.
One begins to get sickeningly jealous over the other relationships around because they make time for each other...while you're left standing in the back waiting for your turn and some time alone, but it rarely comes anymore.
So you begin to grasp for anything, any kind of attention, for him to hint that those feelings for you are still there, but it doesn't come.
You fake your way through the days, waiting for him to wake the fuck up and see what exactly the lack of attention is doing...
Maybe one night you're standing outside of a record store with his friends, waiting for him to appear because you've been waiting to see that face all day. Maybe you receive a long, drawn out text explaining to you that he doesn't want the relationship anymore because your brain wasn't mapped out like the rest of the world and he can't take it.
Maybe, just maybe, you realize that you're fucked.
If you feel that you truly love someone, are you supposed to just walk away?
Maybe you've always been the one that leaves. The one who stops loving or never loves at all. One day, after countless
secondsminuteshoursdaysweeksmonthsyears
of the same bullshit, a truly wonderful person comes into your life. For awhile, it's cloud nine and fictitious angels singing praise. Then your brain decides to fuck everything up by releasing the wrong chemicals at the wrong time or never releasing them at all. Everything misfires and you begin to see the look of misery and monotony on the other's face. You still love them, and all you want is to be with them, but everything is wrong. You're wrong. They're wrong. The time, place, moment, thought...all wrong.
When is the right time to walk away if that's the one thing you don't want to do?
No comments:
Post a Comment